The Silent Grief of Mother’s Day

This won’t be for everyone. If “Mother’s Day” feels heavy - - if you’ve ever longed to be a mom - - I wrote this for you as much as me. If you are a mother, or your mother is still alive, I hope this might help you see this day through another lens. There is way more to Mother’s Day than what we speak about.

This has always been a tough day for me.

Every year, Mother’s Day arrives with flowers, brunches, joyful social media tributes and lovely family photos. And every year, I am painfully reminded of something I didn’t get to have. Something I prayed for with every fiber of my being. Something that never happened.

I am not a mother. Not by choice, nor lack of love nor by indifference. Simply put….the answer was no. You don’t get that.

I have never fully understood why. I spent years begging and pleading with God and the Universe for the answer to change. I would see on social media, “I prayed for you and God answered my prayer.” And all I was left with was - - why wasn’t my prayer answered? It was answered, the answer was no. I had to accept that and make peace, almost a quiet surrender to the response, “Not in this lifetime, Melissa.”

I have carried this ache, invisible to most, and learned to live with it. Some years it’s only a whisper. Other years, it’s a wave of pain, hurt and a reminder that I was not chosen to be a mother. In all of this time, I can honestly say the pain no longer drowns me.

To all the moms reading this: I hope you had a very Happy Mother’s Day. Truly. You deserve to be celebrated. If I may offer anything it would be this: Count your blessings. The sleepless nights, the teenage moods, the endless housework and laundry - - that is a miracle wrapped in a blessing that many women like me would have done anything for.

For those navigating fractured relationships:

If you’re estranged from your mom – reach out.

If you’re a mom and things have gone sideways with your child – reach out.

Does it really matter who was right and who was wrong?

I can tell you this, once they are gone it won’t. Repair it while there is still time. That is also time taken from many who would do anything for that time back with their mom. Don’t allow pride, ego and silence outlive love.

For anyone like me – those quietly grieving Mother’s Day, those who dreamed of motherhood but didn’t get to live it – I see you.

We did everything we could. We smiled through the baby showers, held newborns with genuine love, pushed down the pain when people asked, “When are you having kids?”

We braved the hormone shots and hope. We went through multiple rounds of IUI and IVF.

We heard it all: “You can adopt.” “It must be nice having no one to worry about but yourself.” “You want my kids?”

And still….we carried on.

There is no day for us. We are not “mom”, not “expecting”, not “trying”; we just are. But we have a story here. We are mothers to many - while mothers to none. Our lives filled with love we had to seek out and find. Pain that few understand unless they’ve walked this path.

You are not invisible. You are not less than. And this day may not have your name on it, but you are allowed to feel anything and everything it brings up for you.

For me, the woman who was a mother at 10 and parented herself, a mother at 17 when she was the last priority and choice, a mother at 32 after multiple failed fertility attempts, divorce and learning to live life alone, a mother at 44 when I became the mother to my mother and step-father in their declining years. And now a mother at almost 55 with no children of my own and the uncertainty of how to fit into a world where women are considered less than for not having children.

You see, not having children was never my choice, but it was my destiny.

And that? That is worthy of honor too.

If this speaks to you, I’m here, you are not alone. I hope you share this with someone who needs to be seen and understood. And if you got to celebrate Mother’s Day, I hope next year you remember this with a little more tenderness and compassion for all of the different emotions that Mother’s Day brings to the surface.

With love,

—Melissa